The Hoser’s Guide to the 107th Grey Cup: Part 3 – A Hoser’s Itinerary

You wanna get just below this level of wasted.

At Grey Cup you don’t have to drink but you’re likely reading this for a singular reason: getting every drop out of Lord Grey’s Cup! They don’t call it the Grand National Drunk for nothing. I will lead you to the finish line of this marathon and unlike the running kind, you will not go thirsty nor will you suffer a dry mouth!

Disclaimer: You may experience a compound hangover which is kind of like compound interest. However, just like interest, you can just keep borrowing (drinking) to pay yesterday’s bill until bankruptcy (probably Monday).

Required reading before you go further:

Thursday

Anytime – Do you like your job? Sure… Do you like you boss? Liar. Screw it! Don’t wait for Miller Time, take it, it’s yours! Pack a toothbrush, booze and tums. Get on that plane, hitch hike or walk!

You won’t need much.

Evening – There’s really only one solid option here. Spirit of Edmonton. You can try Schooner’s but I’ve always struck out there on Thursday. Go with the known quantity. For sure you will meet some real life CFL players!

Don’t fall into the trap of getting wrecked on the plane and passing out in your hotel room. Remember, this is a marathon, not a sprint.

Friday

10:30am – There’s a very good chance you are hungover.

If not, then you’re doing it wrong. Remember, you’re at Grey Cup!

Get up! Get on your feet!

The Fan State of the League address starts at 10:30. It’s kinda been the same old windbags year after year asking the same old questions… Sometimes the CFL hands out swag though!

Beware : the commish never really answers anything directly.

“Will you please shut up about moving the season start up? I’m just going to add extra bye weeks if I do.”

12:00pm – Touchdown Manitoba. Do not screw this up. You must go here and it’s only five hours long. They feed you. Gonna be an absolute shit of a show this year!

5:00pm – TD MB should have you buzzin’ hard. If not, you need to see a doctor or eat some brains because you’re dead.

Get some grub (or brains), there’s a lot of Friday left.

8:00pm – New this year is a combined party for all the eastern division teams called the Eastern Social Hall because they can’t get enough fans to travel. Probably worth checking out after dinner so see what’s what.

10:00pm  – If that didn’t pan out you have two realistic options and several maybes:

  • Lion’s Den (Lions fans)
  • Riderville (Riders fans)
  • Stamps House (Stamps fans)
  • Atlantic Schooners DownEast Kitchen Party
  • Spirit of Edmonton

I usually end up at Schooners on Fridays. Some years are better than others. Any one of these could be absolutely rockin’ or completely desolate, with the exception of Spirit which is always your fallback.

1:00am – Last call at many of the parties! Pay attention!

2:00am – Ha! You’re scribbled! Go to bed you drunkard.

Saturday

10am – You feel rough. You feel broken. You need an Irish Coffee. Go get an Irish Coffee. Get any coffee you can find and put booze into it. You ARE the liquor!

11:00am – Alcoholics go to meetings. You’re going to the Calgary Stampede Pancake Breakfast!

1pm – This is best time to check out the Street Festival which has become much more progressive with licensed beer tents. Crush several cans here. Or, go to the absolute shittiest bar you can find!

This place in Edmonton, right beside the street party, was literally called “Dive Bar”. It was simultaneously both shitty and awesome.

5-8pm – Beer O’Clock! Pick any party because they should all be starting to kick off. Spend some time at your team’s shaker and mingle with some familiar colours.

8pm – Prime Grey Cup party time and I highly recommend evaluating the Atlantic Schooners Down East Kitchen Party if you haven’t already.

9:30pm – Experience has taught me that the best place to shut down Saturday night is Spirit of Edmonton. You want to get here relatively early to ensure entry. In all probability there will be a line (like every year) but it usually moves.

2:00am – What are you gonna do now? Run to the liquor store?  

Go to bed, you are unquestionably drunk!

Game Day

It’s here! Grey Cup! The Blue Bomber curse shall be lifted today!

11:45am – You’re a warrior and warriors need rest. There’s no need to leap out of bed. You’ve earned this shut eye. There’s a long day of beering ahead.

It’s not the plunge into alcoholism that kills, it’s the sudden stop. As coach O’Shea says, “If you have anything left to give, now’s the time to give it.”

1:00 – The official pre-game tail gate parties are wayyy overpriced, in my humble opinion. You’re better off anywhere else that serves booze. Plus it’ll be warmer.

3:00pm – Beer and then another beer. It’s called “pre-gaming” for a reason so don’t turn jaundiced on me now, we’re almost there!

4:00pm – Game time! Awooooo!

Post-game – No official post game parties again this year so that means you’re going to have to make your own. On this subject, I have little advice. I will be chasing the champion Blue Bombers and Lord Grey’s Cup. Keep me updated and I shall return the favour. My plane home isn’t until 3pm the following day so I have nothing to wake up for!

Congratulations! You finished the whole marathon! I knew you had it in you!

I can’t wait to see you drunk masterminds this weekend!

bbbblllLLLLLUUUUEEEE!!!!!

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