Winter could’ve been worse but it sure was a bastard of a spring! Rejoice! June has arrived, along with nine undefeated Canadian Football League teams and 167 reasons (games) to drink to excess.
I have already foreseen the results of this years campaign and as per tradition, I spoil it for you below.
Terms of Service: By reading this you agree to send me half of your CFL related gambling profits. I am not responsible for any of your losses.
West
Western dominance has faded. We shall see a more balanced league this season.
Calgary (13-5)
The Rock says: “Stamps take the division or I go back to wrestling.”
Normally I’d say a team with a rookie head coach is doomed but I don’t really consider Dave Dickenson a rookie HC. In fact, I wouldn’t be surprised if he takes Coach of the Year. Oh, they also have the best 1-2 QB punch in the league.
Edmonton (10-8)
The politically correct have managed to change the lyrics to O Canada, will they next target the racistly named Edmonton Eskimos whom have appropriated Nanook from the Inuit for their own culturally insensitive purposes?
I’ve always been a Jason Mass fan (Mass for Glenn straight up! —Blue Bastard, 2005) but he’s a rookie HC who’s not as experienced as Dickenson nor no where near as lucky as Danny Maciocia. I don’t care how many players are back from 2015’s championship team, they aren’t repeating.
Winnipeg (9-9)
Winnipeg has missed the playoffs the previous four seasons. I actually had to look that up because I was sure my memory had failed. The odds of missing the playoffs five years in a row, in a nine team league, where six qualify, have to be lower than OJ confessing to murder.
Here’s a great article discussing the reasons why missing the playoffs in 2016 will make the current Blue Bombers era the worst for any franchise over the 60+ year history of the CFL.
It just can’t happen. Plus there have been some significant upgrades at receiver and kicker. Let’s not discount the return of the righteous royal blue uniforms of the 80’s either!
BC (8-10)
“Stay in school and use your brain. Be a doctor, be a lawyer, carry a leather briefcase. Forget about sports as a profession. Sports make ya grunt and smell. See, be a thinker, not a stinker.” –Apollo Creed
I’ve always hated Wally Buono because he always beat the Bombers, hell he beat everybody, so I was really happy to see him give up coaching. Now he’s back.
“I let them have music during stretch, and I let them have a little bit of a cell break, to check their cellphones, because that’s the world of today” –Wally Buono.
The last old school football coach. I pine for the days of Cal Murphy and Dave Ritchie.
Saskatchewan (5-13)
Other way around for most Rider games this CFL season me thinks…
Five wins might be generous for an expansion team. Have fun this year Rider Nation!
East
The East is anyone’s (except Montreal’s).
Toronto (11-7)
I have seen new BMO field and it is very, very red, as in not at all blue, anywhere.
When Ricky Ray is healthy he’s hands down the best QB in the country. Calvillo may be the most prolific quarterback in CFL history but not since Flutie or Dunigan has anyone had such a commanding grip on the throats of opposing defences. Reports indicate Ricky is throwing pain free for the first time in years.
Hamilton (10-8)
Some of the cats showed up to camp overweight.
Hamilton starts the year without wonder QB Zach Collaros and many of their starters from last season. However, in my opinion Hamilton has the best front office of any organization in the league so they’ll cope fine. The start of the season is going to be ugly in the Hammer (just like the Hammer itself, ha!). I expect they’ll dominate the second half.
Ottawa (10-8)
Chucky?
Hank just won’t go. Even if he does, Trevor Harris will be there to save the day, meaning they will contend all year. It just won’t be as easy for them in 2016 with a stronger Toronto or after Zach Collaros returns from injury.
Montreal (5-13)
Signing Kevin Glenn is like dating Trish. He’s every team’s quarterback.
Kevin Glenn is owner of precisely zero Grey Cup rings. He’s the guy you bring in after you’ve realized you have zero chance with your incumbent but have to make it look like you’re doing a somewhat-half-way-decent job as GM. Montreal is in ruins and I wouldn’t have believed anyone who predicted this five years ago. It appears they have a sentence to serve in the East’s dungeon. I hope it’s long and torturous.
Playoffs
West Semi
Edmonton takes care of Winnipeg handily in Edmonton as they have so many times before.
East Semi
Hamilton dispatches Hank in his last game as the Cats continue a late season hot streak.
West Final
@#%$, Has JT seen this!?! I demand an apology!
Battle of the rookie head coaches. I pick Dickenson.
East Final
Kent Austin is too smart and Hamilton won’t be denied. They’ll beat Toronto in Toronto and spoil the 104th Grey Cup party.
Grey Cup
Hamilton finally takes it! You read it here first.
See you in the beer line this 2016 season my fellow degenerates!
