Updates from the Coaches

Actual TSN broadcast image of a ~9 year old Blue Bomber fan who has given up.

Actual TSN broadcast (10-18-2014) image of a ~10 year old Blue Bomber fan who has given up on a team that never gave him anything except heartburn his whole life.

A couple of weeks ago I had the magnificent misfortune of attending the Bombers @ Redblacks game.  Let it be forever forgotten!  As a consequence of purchasing tickets the fiends of Ottawa had acquired my email address and sent this deviant message of propaganda from their Fuhrer.  I present it to you, dear reader, exactly as I received it (original here):

KEEP THE FAITH!

Dear Blue Bastard,

I wanted to take a moment to update you on our football team as we head into the final third of our inaugural season. So far this has been a season of missed opportunities. The good news is we are capable of competing with all of the teams in the CFL. Over the past several weeks we have consistently put ourselves in a position to win football games against some very good teams. What has been so frustrating is our inability to find a way to make the one or two more plays to close the deal and win the game. We will continue to work hard as coaches and players in order to get ourselves over the hump and get the wins that our loyal supporters deserve. While we are going through some tough growing pains right now, there are several reasons why I am optimistic about our future.

Regarding our roster, we have a solid core of players that will play and win football games in Ottawa for the next several years. Many of these players are young guys who are rookies in the CFL. They will continue to grow and get better as they get more playing experience. We also have strong Canadian player content that we will continue to grow through next year’s draft. The quality and depth of the Canadian players is a huge factor for long term success in the CFL.

Our players have character. You learn a lot more about people in tough times than you do in good times. I give our players full credit. Despite the tough stretch we are going through, our guys continue to keep the faith. They play hard, are united, and have a strong belief that good times are ahead.

Word is spreading throughout the football world that the Ottawa area is a great place to live and a great place to play football. We are trying to surround ourselves with quality people and treat them well. The benefits of being a REDBLACK are many. These include the quality of the city, the new stadium, the stable ownership, and the unwavering support we are getting from the fans in the stadium and in the community.
Our fan support is something we will never take for granted. We all get excited for our home games because the atmosphere in the stadium is awesome. Last Friday night we could feel you urging us on. Your patience and support is commendable. We appreciate it more than you could ever know. The wins can’t come fast enough for any us, but they are coming.

Keep the faith.
Coach Rick

Several days later I received this explanation from the Blue Bombers which I share with you again, exactly as I received it:

ABANDON ALL HOPE!

Dear Blue Bastard,

I wanted to take this opportunity to update you on our football team as we conclude the final third of the season. So far this season has been one of implosion. The good news is that training camp is only seven months away. Over the past several weeks we have put ourselves in position to lose against some very beatable teams. We will continue to screw the pooch as coaches and players in order to hump ourselves over our nightly hangovers and receive the paychecks our loyal supporters have been funding. While it’s true we have made some short term changes, there really aren’t any reasons why I am optimistic about the future.

Regarding our roster, we really don’t have an offensive line that will play and win football games in Winnipeg for the next several years. Many of these players are veteran imports who should be playing much better in the CFL. They will continue to age and deteriorate physically as they get more playing experience. We have virtually no strong Canadian content except for our kicker and we will do our utmost to squander each pick in next year’s draft. The quality and depth of Canadian players is a huge factor for long term success in the CFL and we will endeavor to help other teams in this respect by letting ours leave via free agency.

Our players have no character. You learn a lot more about people in tough times than you do in good times. I give our running backs zero credit. As soon as we entered a tough stretch Nic Grigbsy asked for his release. They are soft, divided, and harbour no illusions about a Grey Cup Championship ahead.

Word is spreading throughout the football world that Winnipeg is a godforsaken place to live and an even worse place to play football. We are trying to surround ourselves with castoffs and treat them as such. The benefits of being a BLUE BOMBER are non-existent. Certainly not the snow, the traffic blocking trains, the mosquitoes, nor the rotating management.

Our fan support is something we will always take for granted. We rarely get excited for home games because we know we will lose and the atmosphere in the stadium is only good until the score becomes lopsided early in the game. Last week we could hear you urging us on but really couldn’t have given a fuck (even though our pockets were full of them). Your patience and support is questionable, most rational individuals would have given up on us many years ago. We really wish you would commit yourselves fully to hockey. The wins can’t come fast enough for any of us, but to be frank they just plain aren’t coming for a long, long time.

To renew your season tickets please call: 204-784-7448

Up your nose with a rubber hose.
Coach Mike

bbbbllllU – ah fuck it.

One thought on “Updates from the Coaches

  1. Haha — way better article than what would have turned out from the ideas I gave you. This is why you are the one and only Blue Bastard.

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