Alright. So. Welcome to Calgary, hosers.

I’ve been asked to explain how to do Grey Cup properly, which is actually pretty responsible of whoever asked me, because I know this city and I’ve been to, like, a lot of parties.

The main thing is you gotta have a plan. Not necessarily a good plan, but something you can tell your buddies when they’re standing around going, “What do you wanna do?” Otherwise it’s four hours later and Terry’s arguing with a parking meter.

Edmonton and Montreal are playing for the Cup at McMahon. Edmonton! In Calgary! That’s like Terry coming over to drink all my beer and then asking if he can keep the fridge. But Grey Cup is about bringing Canadians together, so even racist Eskimo fans are welcome. Just don’t touch my bass.

Thursday: Prepare to Give’r

Get yourself to Stampede Park. Free pancakes in Lot 3, 11 a.m. to 1 p.m., Thursday through Saturday.

Three days of free pancakes, boys. That’s basically a meal plan. You gotta eat before you start drinking, otherwise the beer just goes in there with nothing to talk to.

The team parties are all in the BMO Centre: Spirit of Edmonton, Riderville, Touchdown Manitoba, Stamps House, the Lions Den and the East Coast Kitchen Party. It’s like a cross-country road trip, except you don’t have to trust Terry’s car.

You need a team party pass. Thursday is $49, Friday $59, Saturday $65, or $110 for all three days, before taxes and bullshit fees.

Spirit of Edmonton used to be free. Now it costs money to go to Edmonton, even when Edmonton comes to you. Figure that one out.

Friday: Full Give’r

Pancakes. Noon, Touchdown Manitoba. Find a Bomber fan and ask who they’re cheering for. Then grab a chair, ’cause this could take a while.

Work your way through the rooms, but don’t miss the East Coast Kitchen Party. Those guys throw a Grey Cup party every year and they don’t even have a team. That’s fuckin’ dedication. Most bands I know can’t get together once a week and they’ve got a garage.

The free street festival runs until 9 p.m., with a drone show at 8:45. They’re supposed to be up there, so don’t throw anything at them.

Saturday: Pace Yourself. Sort Of.

The ticketed Spirit of Edmonton breakfast starts at 8 a.m. Eight! Fuck me! If you’re up and ready at eight, you’re either a champion or you’ve made some questionable decisions Friday. Possibly both.

There are ticketed rodeos at the Nutrien Western Event Centre at noon and 4:30 p.m. I respect a guy who can stay on a bull. I once fell off a picnic table and it wasn’t even moving.

Spirit’s main party opens at 2 p.m. today; most of the other rooms open at noon. Saturday gets busy, so pick the room you really wanna see and get in before there’s a lineup all the way to Saskabush.

Sunday: Game Day

Shower. Eat. Find your ticket. Find Terry. Check that Terry hasn’t eaten your ticket.

The free tailgate runs 1–5 p.m. in the east lot at McMahon Stadium. McMahon and Stampede Park are different places. Seems obvious, but so did a lot of things right up until Terry got involved.

Kickoff is listed for 5 p.m. local time. Wear layers. Calgary in November can freeze the Pilsner right out of your hand, and then you’ve got two problems.

Sarah McLachlan sings the anthem and Riley Green plays halftime. I’ll be using halftime to piss, find a beer and then piss again.

Check the official Grey Cup Festival website for the full schedule and tickets. Then get out there and give’r.

And if you see me, buy me a beer. I got you three free pancake breakfasts, man.