Bombers 19 – Larks 11: The Ugliest Two Points

bllllllLUUUUUUEEEE!

A win is a win but you have to admit that was the ugliest two points snatched by a CFL team in a long while.

Did we witness one of the most masterful defensive performances authored by the Bombers in decades or was it attributable terrible Quebecois coaching? The defense certainly couldn’t have played any better but they also had help. More on that later.

Take a moment to bask in the afterglow of a victory in Montreal. Not too long ago asking the Bombers to win in Montreal was like asking the NDP (or Liberals if you live in Ontario like many of us ex-pats) to stop raising taxes.

"I will tax the shit out of you. Then I'll make your shit pay taxes."

“First, I shall cancel all laws banning tax increases or new taxes.  Second, I shall tax you until you vomit. Third, I shall make you pay a tax on your vomit called the Vomit Tax.  Finally, I shall increase the PST by one percent and apply it on top of the Vomit Tax.” — His Majesty Greg Selinger the Terrible

There is much reason for optimism heading into next week because we may actually have a defence. Early yes, but everyone except yours truly had written off the Blue this week and they came through with one hell of a surprising (defensive) effort.

It sure as shit wasn’t all roses though. By all rights the Bombers should have been mercied by the end of the first quarter. FIVE turnovers, two of which were on the first two possessions and three by Q1’s end. With his impeccable sense of timing JoJo damn near handed the game right over to the Larks with his fumble on the TD kick return late in the 4th.  I hope he’s buying Bryant Turner beer for the week.

The offence stunk worse than a Mexican men’s room and Buck’s leash is getting real short.  Dear Leader made a handful of truly awful throws, one pick and one inexcusable fumble. He doesn’t shoulder the blame alone though, Watson and Goltz should also have to run the gauntlet for their fumbles.

Above: All twelve members of the Winnipeg starting offence.

Above: Working better than all twelve members of Winnipeg’s starting offence.

In football turnovers should be treated as a capital crime.  The Bombers will not win another game in which they commit five, even against a marginally competent offence.  Something needs to be done about it this week.  It’s time to start fining anyone caught carrying the ball like a loaf of bread. Fine players $500/drop and I guarantee they’ll have their shit sorted in a week. None of this lap running or burpee business either – that’s for high schoolers who don’t get paid to play ball.

How not to carry a football.

How not to carry a football.  Also, how to be French.

As bad as Winnipeg’s offence was they looked like Gods compared to the Lark’s. I’d like to refer to Week 2’s picks:

“The Larks got somewhat lucky and are still reading the table of contents on the new playbook.”

While it may have sounded sarcastic at the time it couldn’t be any more true today. AC even hit Whitacker in the back Thursday night with a ball. Total and complete offensive incompetence.

End of Quarter AC’s Passing Yards
2 69
3 59
4 121

Note from the above that he actually lost yards between Q2 and Q4.

It was a shit show. Who’s to blame? AC? Last week everyone was talking about the ageless wonder. Many of the same are now pointing out his slowness with age. How insightful of them. While he is certainly a fossil he’s also the most prolific passer in all pro football history. The real issue here is the Lark coaching.

Google: what the fuck is a rouge?

“What the red fuck is a rouge?!” — Dan Hawkins

Jim Popp has a superb track record of finding coaches but he seems to have finally brain cramped this year. Marc Trestman was able to come up and win without any Canadian experience but I’d argue that was an anomaly (the man may be football a genius and we shall see come September). Clearly Hawkins doesn’t get what’s going on or how to use AC effectively. Calvillo pretty much said so himself last night (watch him here, I couldn’t embed the video):

“Overall it was a disgusting performance on our offense.  Period.  From a players, coaching staff, everything, it was disgusting.”

When it was suggested that there was nothing new or creative about the Lark’s offence in the second game at a time when it should be evolving AC took a long pause before finally uttering:

“I’ll let you answer your own question.”

That’s the closest he’s ever been to calling his coaches idiots.

It’s wonderful to watch the Larks struggle so much early in the year.  It’s particularly heart warming to see evidence of ineptitude within their coaching staff.  Fingers typically don’t start pointing towards the bosses until later in the year when visions of the playoffs become the dreams of next season.  It also demonstrates that the CFL isn’t some minor league for American football.  The twelve man game is another beast altogether and the inability to recognize the differences leads to abject failure.  It’s refreshing and can be rubbed in the faces of the narrow minded CFL-is-inferior-to-everything-American sluggards out there.

CFL, pft. That's bush league. I don't have time for that. I only watch the NFL.

“Just try rubbing it in my face.  I dare you.  NFL 4 life.”

Ass of the Week: Jovan Johnson

"Hee Haw" -- Translation: eat a dick JoJo.

“Hee Haw” — Translation: “Eat a dick JoJo.”

JoJo’s played himself off specials teams for a week. There was no excuse other than laziness for dropping those two balls. Think the Pussy Cats won’t pay extra attention to that next week?  They will be trying extra hard to strip the rock and he’ll have to hold on that much more to keep it from happening.  His returns were uninspiring to boot.  North-South numb nuts, you aren’t going to get a touch down every kick.  He also had a bad pass interference call that extended a Lark drive.  Lucky for him it was a drive to nowhere.  It won’t be long before he gets knot tying lessons from this blog.  Maybe he’d be happier with his buddy Hefney out in Calgary.  It’s just a plane ride away.  Smarten up.

The Heineken Hero of the Week: Bryant Turner

Not at all sponsored by Heineken. Hey Heineken how 'bout it?

Not at all sponsored by Heineken. Hey Heineken, how ’bout it?  Oh by the way is there a single stadium any where in this great land where I can buy a Heineken?  I’m so sick of Piss (Canadian/Budweiser) and Piss Light (Coors/Bud Light).

He may have had three sacks and forced an AC fumble but his most important play of the game was recovering JoJo’s fumble on the kick return late in the 4th.  Had he not, Big Blue would likely be 0-2.  He literally saved the day and was a one man wrecking crew.  He was hurt on that forced fumble but reports have him back in Winnipeg albeit questionable for the Pussy Cats.  Get well soon big guy, you’re needed!

On the road to Guelph, ON

There are many positives to take into next week, well ok, just the defence but hey, that’s more than last week!  You can’t argue with seven sacks and that’s exactly what the Bombers are going to have to do against Smilin’ Hank.  We know the offence isn’t bailing them out so throw in a pick-six or two and it’s to the top of the East we go!

The Blue Bastard will be seated in section 106, row 23, seat 5 next Saturday in Guelph, ON to watch the Bombers avenge their preseason loss.  Get out there Bomber fans!

bllllllLUUUUUUEEEE!

2 thoughts on “Bombers 19 – Larks 11: The Ugliest Two Points

  1. Pingback: Pussy Cats 25 – Bombers 20: Bombers Fall Flat on Their Asses | From Parts Unknown

  2. Pingback: Argonauts 35 – Bombers 19: Crack Smoking Toronto Mayor Laughs Blue Bumblers off Own Field | From Parts Unknown

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.