The Blue Bastard’s Annual Canadian Football League Prognostication for 2018

Man oh man winter was rough! It felt like football season would never return. But it has!

Didn’t you miss it?!

You thought my lazy, druken ass had given up on the blog didn’t you?

I wouldn’t let you down unless it was for something important.

Here it is, fresh and unfiltered, the 2018 CFL season, exactly as it will happen. Drink it down!

East

Toronto (9-9)

Does Amazon sell these?

Last year they proved you just need to make it to the big game to have a shot. They’re not much better this year but they still have Ricky Ray and Marc Trestman. Bet against them at your own peril.

Hamilton (8-10)

The most important meal of the day!

I can’t hit a golf ball straight unless I’ve had two cans. I’m willing to bet Johnny can’t throw straight unless he’s had two cans. I love the Manziel side show as much as anyone, I just don’t see him as the second coming of Doug Flutie like some of you. Yeah, yeah I know, Masoli is the “starter”. Sure.

Masoli will be a Alouette by week six.

Ottawa (6-12)

The team did get a make over this year.

There was some major retooling in the off-season and it looks to me like Ottawa is poised for a prolonged period of prolapse. This team doesn’t has enough in them to make the playoffs.

Montreal (3-15)

Holy shit, last year I said he was available but I was just kidding!

In 2017 I described this organization as a train wreck. That would be a compliment this year. I’m not sure how much more this team can be screwed up. Kavis Reed better fix things quick because they’re going to have a cash flow (attendance) problem really soon if they don’t already.

You’d think they would have learned from the last time they hired an NFL head coach (Dan Hawkins – five games). Mike Sherman isn’t the answer to a QB problem.

West

Calgary (15-3)

Can I have another please!

The perennial power house gives us no reason to doubt them, other than the whole Grey Cup thing. The question isn’t whether they’ll finish first, it’s whether or not they can finish the only game that matters.

Edmonton (13-5)

Mascots: A pedophile football and a racist polar bear.

Fact: No team has even won a Grey Cup with Kevin Glenn, the homeless drifter of the CFL. He’s the opposite of a QB insurance plan. The man is literally cursed (throws INTs). I like Edmonton’s chances but only as long as Reilly stays healthy.

Saskatchewan (10-8)

You can never be too prepared for a shitty team.

I just don’t know what to make of these guys. Give the reigns to Brandon Bridge and let it ride. I could almost secretly root for a Canadian QB. Third place seems about fair.

BC (9-9)

Once a quarterback factory, BC finds themselves in a bind at the position. This team’s getting old, just like Wally. This roster doesn’t frighten anyone but you never know what tricks that old dog has up his sleeve.

Winnipeg (8-10)

27 years and counting.

Winnipeg got over a crushing defeat in the Stanley Cup Playoffs just in time to watch Matt Nichols blow his knee in a non-contact play in camp. Clearly the city is cursed. Particularly the Bombers, who are now looking at starting the season 0-5. A cross-over is probably the only play left for them and the season hasn’t even started.

Playoffs

East Semi

Johnny Football ends Wally’s CFL career.

West Semi

Edmonton wins a no-contest decision over Saskatchewan.

East Final

Toronto repeats as Eastern champs over Hamilton in an entertaining game.

West Final

Calgary beats Edmonton narrowly, again.

Grey Cup

Calgary finally shakes off the monkey and avenges themselves against Toronto in a rematch.

 

Is it kick-off yet!!?!

bbbbllllllLLLUUUUUUEEEEE!!!!!!

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