The Blue Bastard’s Annual Canadian Football League Prognostication for 2014

"I see... blue coloured tears."

“I see… tears of yellow and black.”

loyal Bastard reader: “Who do you have for the chalice this year?”

The Blue Bastard: “I dunno, hard to say but I think I’ll take Calgary.  Vegas has BC but Lulay’s so fragile that he’s still broken from last year.  I doubt the host squad wins it.  You?”

loyal Bastard reader: “Well it’s an eight team league, I guess anything can happen, hard to pick one with all the changes this year.”

The Blue Bastard: “Actually it’s nine this year with Ottawa don’t forget.”

loyal Bastard reader: “Oh, you’re giving Winnipeg a chance?”

He’s right, much more interesting than predicting the inscription on the 102nd Grey Cup is correctly forecasting whether Winnipeg wins more games than Ottawa or not.

loyal Bastard reader: “Hey what’s the over under on the length of Ottawa’s stay this time around?”

Another interesting wager…

2014 starts off a lot different from the way 2013 finished.  A new (old?) team in the East has pushed Winnipeg to the West where almost everyone assumes they will wither and die.  Smiling Hank has escaped the perennial QB tar pit in Hamilton to lead Ottawa and there are four brand new starting QBs in the league — Drew Willy in Winnipeg, Zach Collaros in Hamilton, Troy Smith in Montreal (sort of) and Bo Mitchell (also sort of).  AC is gone and the other eight teams couldn’t be happier about it.  Tom Higgins is back behind the bench in Montreal and the new regime in River City has finally taken hold after installing Mike O’Shea. In addition, many vets were cut across the CFL making way for an equal number of fresh football faces looking to commit their first fifteen yard infraction.  It’s a great time to be a fan, even a Bomber fan, because everyone is still undefeated.

West is best:

The top three teams below NOT making the playoffs would be a shocker this year.

1. Calgary (12-6)

"Barf"

Is that poop on his pants or rib sauce?

The Stamps finally named Bo Mitchell their starter because Buck Pierce II (Drew Tate) breaks down faster than the Canadian Navy.  They also have a great offensive line with an even better RB (Cornish).  The past several seasons have seen them consistently near to the top of the scrum and there is no reason to think otherwise this year.  That they’ll do well in the first 18 games of the campaign is a near certainty but can they shake off their perennial post season struggles?  Calgary has a chance to win every week this season.

2. BC (11-7)

Dick. On. Face.

I have heard that very thing myself.

BC to win the cup?  No, because there are too many holes in the offensive line and Travis Lulay, whenever he comes back is bound to get banged up again.  In parachutes Kevin Glenn for this very reason but here’s the thing about Kevin: he’s a loser who can’t win the big game, the best mediocre QB to ever play in the CFL.  Glenn can get them there but Lulay has to stay healthy enough to win it.

3. Saskatchewan (10-8)

If anyone's going to have sex with my sister it's gonna be ME!

“If anyone’s going to have sex with my sister it’s gonna be ME!”

Sheets almost single handily won the 102nd Grey Cup and his departure along with Dressler makes the Riders much worse this year.  I figure even if both are back by Labour Day their absence will cost the Greenies a minimum one loss more than last season (11-7).  The bright spot for Durant and company is their best in the land O-line and that’s half the battle in the Canadian game.

4. Edmonton (9-9)

"I just want answers! Why did Tillman trade Ricky Ray?!"

“I just want answers! Where is Ricky Ray?!”

No one’s happier to see Winnipeg back in the West than Edmonton who climb out of the division’s basement by default. A .500 season for Deadmonton is a solid accomplishment for 2014 and probably lands them a trip to the Eastern semi.  Something a lot of people are forgetting or don’t know is that Mike Reilly threw for 4,207 yards in 2013, second only to Burris.  They will be much better.

5. Winnipeg (5-13)

The free spot in the West.

For probably seven teams this year.

Miller and his buddy Walters have done some good things this off season like firing Tim Burke and opening liquor/beer sales past the third quarter.  However, in a display of foresight rivaling that of a pregnant fourteen year old they agreed to move to the Western division.  Brilliant!  I’m sure more games against “traditional rvivals” will fill seats much easier than wins.  Oh, and seems like half the starters got hurt in training camp.  Drew Willy to the rescue!

East is Least:

8 wins might not be enough to get into the playoffs this year.  The cross over breeze is blowing…

1. Toronto (10-8)

"No one wants to come to the game with me?"

“Common, I’ve got free tickets! No one wants to come with me?”

Getting older, losing coaches (O’Shea) and running backs (Kackert, Norwood) but they still have Ricky Ray and as long as he’s playing they can beat any team.  How many fans show up this year?  I bet more than last if they just give Rob Ford season tickets.

2. Hamilton (10-8)

"Rawwwwr"

“Rawwwwr”

Are they better with Zach than Hank?  On the face of it I’d have to say no but if there was ever a head coach to develop a young QB it would be Kent Austin who is arguably the best coach in the CFL.  What doesn’t help their cause is four straight road games because of a delayed stadium opening (see Winnipeg 2013).  The most exciting part of their 2014 campaign is not having to play in that shit hole old Ivor Wynne Stadium.  That place was a genuine craptastic dump.  Apparently they are getting a new one, looks a lot like the old one and still has no parking unless it’s on someone’s lawn.

3. Montreal (8-10)

"That's pass interference you anglo bastards!"

“I don’t want to talk to you no more, you empty-headed animal food trough wiper! I fart in your general direction!”

The slide continues.  New coach, new QB and no AC in July.  It’s entirely possibly Montreal won’t make the playoffs.  There’s a lot to worry about in Montreal but their best move this off season was getting Tom Higgins out of the control center in Toronto.  Chad Ochocinco’s arrival is great if for nothing else other than the publicity.  All Troy Smith has to do is beat Edmonton, Winnipeg and Ottawa for seven wins and pick up one more for tickets to Sunday, Nov. 16th.

4. Ottawa (6-12)

Red Blacks is such a stupid fucking name.

Because Red Blacks is such a stupid fucking name.

In the CFL a great QB gives you a chance to win when you shouldn’t and Smilin’ Hank has thrown for the most yeards two years running (he’s also thrown the most INTs).  More than any addition to any team this off season his will have the most impact.  Ottawa at least has a chance to compete and that’s more than you can usually say of an expansion team.  There’s no way they are winning the Grey Cup but in a weak East division they can potentially make things interesting and fun to watch.

Playoffs

Eastern Semi (Nov. 16)

Edmonton crosses over and loses to Hamilton in a snoozer.

Western Semi (Nov. 16)

BC beats Saskatchewan at home in a more interesting game.

Eastern Final (Nov. 23)

The Argo-snots are out coached again by Austin and the Cats plus there are more Cats fans than Argos fans at SkyDome (again).

Western Final (Nov. 23)

Kevin Glenn chokes on an icicle and throws the game away to Calgary, something he is very good at doing in the playoffs.

101st Grey Cup (Nov. 30)

The Blue Bastard enjoys the warm comforts of BC Place while Calgary comes from behind to beat Hamilton who drink tears for another year.

Leave your picks below. Keep your beer cold and your wings hot!

bllllllUUUUUUEEEEEE!!!!!!!!

8 thoughts on “The Blue Bastard’s Annual Canadian Football League Prognostication for 2014

  1. After week 1, you gotta think that a Stamps v. Winnipeg has a heckuva ring to it!

    Bo Knows!

    P.S. where did you find that Stamps picture of me?

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