Pussy Cats 25 – Bombers 20: Bombers Fall Flat on Their Asses

5:50pm (EDT) At least some of the regular drunks from Hamilton made the trip up highway 6 to Guelph to show some of their world renowned wit.

”Nice pants fag!”

“Hey fag!”

“Fuck you fag!

Or the totally original, “Winnipeg Sucks!”

"Fuck you Winnipeg!" - Mayor of Hamilton

“Fuck you Winnipeg!” – Mayor of Hamilton

More on that in a future post.

5:55pm Time to get rid of this hangover with some of the shittiest beer you can buy in all of the Dominion.  As temporary and as small as Alumni Stadium is I cannot say enough good things about the staff.

Only one place to buy beer on the whole west side of the stadium.

Only one place to buy beer on the whole west side of the stadium.

No hassles at all in this place.  I don’t have to explain that the mask doesn’t come off for ID checks and I’m even able to purchase two drinks at the same time.  What do I have to pay for this privilege?

Cheaper than IGF but feels just as offensive when one considers the brands offered.

Cheaper than IGF but feels just as offensive when one considers the brands offered.

6:15pm Yeah I get it.  You think I’m gay despite the attractive woman in a Bombers Jersey obviously following me around.  Your powers of deduction are frightening.  Two beers down.

6:30pm One of The Blue Bastard’s entourage is already puking (for real) and Buck hasn’t even thrown his first pass yet.

Half-time (13-12 Bombers) It looks like the feminists have put a stop to the ‘Box J Boys’ club.  A woman in their midst.  They should probably change their name to the ‘Box J People’ before Kathleen Wynn finds out.

She's the only one in that group not wearing a skirt and everyone's questioning The Blue Bastard's sexuality.

She’s the only one in that group not wearing a skirt and everyone’s questioning The Blue Bastard’s sexuality.

14:59 Q3 (13-13) So much for the lead.

6:30 Q4 (24-13 Pussy-Cats)  Pussy-Cat fans have got the goat of someone on the Bomber bench.  I’m sure doing the air-cock-stroke is going to get them to shut right up.

00:00 Q4 (25-20 Pussy-Cats)  Walk of shame.  Note to self: bring sippin’ seat to next game.  I never liked Guelph and I still don’t.

The Sun sets on the Bombers 2013 season already in week 3.

The Sun begins to set on the Bombers 2013 season in week 3.

 That Should be Buck’s Last Game

Buck Pierce has been awful this season and on Saturday night he continued the trend.  Although he threw no interceptions he looked scared every time he threw and ended up missing his receivers by a nautical mile or hanging them out to dry.  Here’s someone who threw better than Buck this past weekend.

How horrible was the 31-year-old who looked like a 41-year-old?  His numbers below:

Buck Pierce’s Game Stats
Pass Attempts/Completed 15/26
Yards 186
TDs 0
INTs 0

Asked to comment on his production Buck had this to say:

Coach called me a bad name.

“Someone in the stands called me a fag.” snniiiffffff

The bombers are supposed to have a brand new offence designed to keep the QB upright.  The direct result of this new scheme is a league worst 14 sacks allowed.  It’s actually incredible that Buck hasn’t been injured yet this season, although it may be better for all concerned if he were.  The offensive line has more holes in it than Tony Montana and what do you need in that situation?  A mobile quarterback.  If we are to spend the entire 2013 season in football purgatory then it might as well be used to develop the next QB.  Goltz should have seen action in the 4th and if he sucked then Hall should have mopped up.  They honestly can’t be any worse than Buck thus far and aren’t damaged goods.  They have full mobility.

Also puking: anyone who had to watch the Winnipeg starting offence.

Also puking: anyone who watched Buck on TV this week.

The difference Saturday night was Smilin’ Hank and his legs.  He escaped the collapsing pocket, picked up key first downs and won the game like a leader should.  In the third quarter Hamilton started stacking the box with eight guys and If Buck could have completed a few passes over the top Simpson’s run lanes would have re-opened but he can’t and every CFL team knows it.  All they have to do is force him to execute on timing, which he can’t, then flush him out of the pocket and wait for a sack like a pack of wolves chasing a scared rabbit.

Since 2011 Buck has thrown for over 300 yards only 6 times and his QB efficiency rating this season is 71.7 (7/9 in the CFL).  He’s been given his chance and it’s time to move on.  Buck really needs to start thinking about life after football, assuming he can still think after all those concussions.

Who the hell is Danny? Must be the guy counting the money because I don't think Buck can count enough loonies to make a dollar.

Who the hell is Danny? Must be the guy counting the money because I don’t think Buck can count enough loonies to make a dollar.

Who’s Calling the (non) Plays?

The much vaunted and highly regarded Gary Crowton who rode into Winnipeg with such an impressive resume.  If Gary was so great why didn’t he stick around in the NCAA?  Because no one wanted him, that’s why.  Now he’s up here polishing his old turds and offering them as oracles of football strategy.

The Bombers new offensive strategy. Designed to keep the QB from getting sacked.

“OHHH Great Play Caller… Please tell us what to do on second and nine!?!”
“The play is… The play is… Five yard pass.”

I’m not psychic but I imagine Gary’s thought process had to have gone something like this:

Q1: It’s alright we’ll get ’em next quarter.

Q2: Finally after almost 2.5 games we’ve established the run.  Time to abandon the run and establish the pass.  If Chris Matthews is double teamed we’ll just ram the ball right in there until it gets through.

Q3: The receivers aren’t running under the ball where Buck throws it like I had them practice.  If this keeps up we might have to run again.  I still can’t figure out why everyone punts on third down.

Q4: Ah, 17-13 for Hamilton, we’ve got ’em right where we want ’em.  They’ll never see us coming with the run in the 5th!

There’s just so much awful to write about this week I’m not sure I’ll get done before next game…

Handicapped Teams

An evisceration of Saturday’s sad spectacle wouldn’t be complete without mentioning these twinks.  How constipated do you have to be to miss a point after?  Even the Wendy’s Kick for a Million contestants make the 20 yarder.  Who’s at fault doesn’t really matter (it was Mike Renault and his botched hold), that it happened is disgraceful to the uniform and insulting to those who paid admission.  Throw in a couple of shanked punts, a really awful fake that ended as an interception (it would have been smarter if the Pussy-Cat player just dropped it) plus 130 penalty yards and you have a truly special group of players.  I understand that they were probably trying to kick away from Lindsey Lamar (the first woman in the CFL?) but there’s absolutely no reason to make two illegal kickoffs.  How many single points were given up?  Combine shitty punting with a missed field goal to round things out and the sum of this abortion easily adds up to more than the five point difference in score.

I swear I saw this guy out there in the Blue and Gold.

Laces out Renault!

I can go on and on about how bad they were but I have to stop somewhere.  I’ll leave you with another name: Craig Dickenson, the man with a reputation as the best special teams coordinator in all of the CFL.  Go on, Craig, you’ve earned it:

Step 1: Make two loops and cross the end behind their midpoint.

Step 1: Make two loops and cross the end behind their midpoint.

Absolute Vodka Ass of the Week: Buck Pierce

"Hee Haw" -- Translation: "Consider bartending school and stop ruining everyone's good time."

“Hee Haw” — Translation: “Definitely quit your day job. Please.”

I think enough has been said of Mr. Pierce.

Honourable Mention: Gary Crowton for abandoning the run game in the second half after Chad Simpson’s 75 yard TD in the first, stacked box or not.

Honourable Mention: Special Teams for missing a single point conversion and generally shitting the bed worse than Spud in Trainspotting.

Honourable Mention: Jovan Johnson for blowing coverage on Sam Giguere on the Pussy-Cats’ first possesion of the game leading to a 61-yard TD catch and run.  You’re lucky I already handed out the rope this week.

The Heineken Hero of the Week: Chad Simpson

Still not sponsored by Heineken.

Still not sponsored by Heineken.

The only guy trying on offence Saturday.  Two touchdowns and 116 yards on only 11 touches.  I’m not really sure what more you’re supposed to ask of the man.  Why not give him the ball more?  Just a thought, I’m not an offensive co-ordinator though, just offensive.

Honourable Mention: Alex Hall for three sacks and three tackles.

Back Home Against the Snots.

Battle for the basement and first place at the same time.  The offence has shown no reason to make anyone smile.  It comes down the defence again, although they’ll have to start scoring the touchdowns too if Winnipeg is to claw back to .500 on the season.

Tune in next week for another Blue Bastard rant.  Same BB time, same BB blog.  Or subscribe via e-mail by clicking follow!

Last week’s most excellent ramblings “The Ugliest Two Points”.

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  1. Pingback: Argonauts 35 – Bombers 19: Crack Smoking Toronto Mayor Laughs Blue Bumblers off Own Field | From Parts Unknown

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